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Retirement jokes & Quotes
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Retirement Quotes


"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." George Burns

 

"He is alive, but only in the sense that he can't be legally buried." Geoffrey Madan

 

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." Groucho Marx

 

"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." George Burns

 

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." Bob Hope

 

"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick." George Burns

 

"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." Rita Rudner

 

"I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time." Greer Garson

 

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." George Burns

 

"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate." Woody Allen

 

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."
George Burns

 

"Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did." Robert Benchley

 

"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt." Herbert Hoover



"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill." George Burns

 

"Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."
Milton Berle

 

"The secret of longevity is to keep breathing." Sophie Tucker

 

"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual." Patrick Moore

 

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." Woody Allen

 

"At my age flowers scare me." George Burns

 

"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping." Rita Rudner

 

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." Woody Allen

 

"The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with - sudden death." Michael Phelps

 

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes." Emo Philips

 

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." Johnny Carson

 

"A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student." Ambrose Bierce

 

"If your time hasn't come, not even a doctor can kill you." MA Perlstein


"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying." Woody Allen

 

"There are three natural anaesthetics: Sleep, fainting, and death." Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." Groucho Marx

 

"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing to do with it."
Somerset Maugham



"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" Woody Allen

 

"Death is just nature's way of telling you to slow down." Dick Sharples

 

"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." Garrison Kielor

 

"The report of my death was an exaggeration." Mark Twain

 

"I don't mind dying, the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next day." George Axlerod

 

"It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life." Jimi Hendrix

 

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey

 

"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate." Ambrose Bierce

 

"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?" Margaret Smith

 

"I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death." Phyllis Diller

 

"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."
Woody Allen

 

"Picasso was a delightful, kindly, friendly, simple little man. When I met him he was extremely excited and overjoyed that his mother-in-law had just died, and he was looking forward to the funeral." Edith Sitwell

 

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." Ed Furgol

 

"When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence." Brendan Behan

 

"The court was not previously aware of the prisoner's many accomplishments. In view of these, we see fit to impose the death penalty." Quentin Crisp

 

"When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once." Samuel Butler

 

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope

 

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom

 

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson

 

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza

 

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen

 

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt

 

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