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Funny old people jokes


 

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

 

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

 

Old Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

 

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

 

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I'm so sorry, but he's dead."

 

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 


 

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to Perform sexually.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems
to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,'
and it shall rise For as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely satisfied, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down".

But be warned, "IT will not rise again for another whole year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.

That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly he has got a massive stiffy, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks,.
.
.
.
.
.

"What did you say '123' for?"

 



Why I fired my Secretary on my retirement

 

Last week was my retirement
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

 

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy retirement!"
and possibly have a small present for me.

 

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy retirement."

 

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

 

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

 


As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy retirement!"
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

 

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your retirement,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

 

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

 

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

 

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

 

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom

for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

 

"Ok." I nervously replied.

 

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge retirement cake…
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends

and co-workers,
all shouting " Happy retirement!"

 


And I just sat there...

 

On the couch...

 

Naked.


 


 

Claude and Maude...

 

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they Enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."


Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights. "

 



 

Maths...

 

My dearest wife,

 


You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your
54-year-old body can no longer supply. However, I am very happy with
you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this
letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will
be spending the evening with my 18-year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.

When the husband came home, he found a letter on the dining Room table:

My dearest husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At
the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading
this, I will be at the Ritz Carleton with Michael, my tennis coach, who,
like your secretary, also is 18. As a successful businessman and with
your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in
the same
situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot
more times than
54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow !


 


 

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed
at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great
physical condition?"

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this
morning, and that's why he's still alive. He's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"



 

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100-years-old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right

rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She
paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice
cream van hadn't come along."



 

An elderly couple was attending a church service, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."



 

Life Is Soooooo Boring

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement"

 


 

Keep 'Em Dry

One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.
The lady asked, "What's that for?" He replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The lady said, "That's a pretty nifty idea."
The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms.
She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"
The old lady smiled and replied,
"I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."



 

A driver meets Pope Benedict XVI at the airport.
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And supposing something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing that he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the bl**dy Pope as a chauffeur!!"



 

Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast.
"Later that night........


Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.




 

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

 

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee."

 

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

 

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

 

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

 

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

 

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

 

She said, "I can't remember where I live."

 

 

 

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