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Funny general people jokes
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your
I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside- down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
"What in the name of goodness are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
"...And where do you think you're going?!"
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."
Whilst out diving the bloke's wife goes missing. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks, "what's the good news.......??
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?"
"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip,
me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna
shoot over there and pull her up
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you
firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool
man, and your brother!
A Bottle of Merlot
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of
Merlot to a very
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not
looking at the man and
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your
After reading the note, the man decided to compose
one of his own in
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello,
a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
TWO IRISH ENGINEERS and a BLONDE
Two Irishmen were standing
at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
We need the height and she gives us the length."
An old man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway."
"You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything will be OK, but I need to mention to you something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch."
The bloke perks up at this.
"So the thing is"
the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you
want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean,
if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have." says the fellow.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has" says the bloke.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor. . .
"We're having a new kitchen."
The Bathtub Test
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research
literature, here's the final
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
'You know, Bob,
one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all
gonna bloody die.'
An executive was pondering over a hard decision. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Sue or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Sue came in the next morning, hugely hung over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said, "Sue, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Sue replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh*t."
Men v Women
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go
out,they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in
£20,even though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get
Their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
A bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of
Items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to
Identify most of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for
weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
Dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
all those born before 1945 / Golden
Old Age poem
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