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Funny general people jokes

Harley Davidson Motorcycle Story:
 
 
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me..'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion,
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds,

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4 The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust,

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!

'Hmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer; typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!

************************

THE CORONER'S REPORT
 
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big
smiles on their faces.

 The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
 
Coroner tells the Inspector:
 
'First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress.
 Hence the enormous smile.'
 
'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent
 it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
 
The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'
 
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Billy Earl, the
 Newfie, 30, struck by lightning.'
 
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
 
'Thought he was having his picture taken.' 


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.

Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car...



Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside- down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,

"What in the name of goodness are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

"...And where do you think you're going?!"

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."




Aussies

An elderly Australian couple are taking a holiday on the West Australian coast.

Whilst out diving the bloke's wife goes missing. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks, "what's the good news.......??

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.....!"


Firmer

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his privates.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother!



A Bottle of Merlot

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to a very
attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot
to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there,"indicating to the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering
for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to return this to the woman.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million
dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as
you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."



TWO IRISH ENGINEERS and a BLONDE

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.
Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we
don't have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and
laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket,
took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and
six inches.
She then walked off.
Mick said: "Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the height and she gives us the length."


An old man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway."

"You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything will be OK, but I need to mention to you something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch."

The bloke perks up at this.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher
she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you
decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have." says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has" says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor. . .

"We're having a new kitchen."


The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental
asylum, a visitor asked the Director which tests were used to
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do
you want a bed near the window?"


NELSON MANDELA


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.


When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


"You sign! You sign!"


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


"You sign! You sign!"


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!
Who do you want to give these to?"


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says:


(Wait for it)

 

 


(Get your best Chinese accent ready)


"You not Nissan Main Deale
r?"


THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final
word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.


Blind Faith

Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna bloody die.'

************************

Executive Decision

An executive was pondering over a hard decision. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Sue or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Sue came in the next morning, hugely hung over after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said, "Sue, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Sue replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh*t."

************************

Men v Women

 

 

NICKNAMES

 

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each

other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go

out,they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,

Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

 

EATING OUT

 

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in

£20,even though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller,

and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get

Their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

 

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.

 

BATHROOMS

 

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,

A bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of

Items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to

Identify most of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

CATS

 

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 

 

FUTURE

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A

successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man

marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

 

DRESSING UP

 

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for

weddings and funerals.

     

NATURAL

    

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

     

OFFSPRING

     

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about

Dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret

fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people

living in the house.

    

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

     

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

 





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